[ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAR REVVING]
[DOG BARKS]
[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
ROCKY: I'm thinking French tips.
CONNIE: Again? Oh, please.
MEG: Bake sale next week.
We're raising money to fund a music special
and some new instruments.
So, what can I put you down for?
I'll make lava cookies. Kids love my lava cookies.
Well, thank God. And Rocky?
Uh...
Here's a 20. Knock yourself out.
The girl doesn't step foot in a kitchen
unless it's for a remodel.
- Oh, did I tell you? - What?
Dan wants bamboo for it now.
What? He doesn't like the polished stone?
No, Rhiannon, she dropped the glass and it shattered
and he's worried about the dog.
CONNIE: You didn't get booties for the dog.
ROCKY: What about the dog?
Hey, Barb.
Hey.
I'm in charge of next week's Music Booster's Bake Sale.
So, um, wondering if you wanna work a shift or bake.
Another bake sale?
Why can't they just do the math and give us the total?
I'd gladly write the check for the full amount
instead of being nickels and dimed to death all year.
First, it's bake sale.
Then it's gift wrapping T-shirts.
All the auctions and the raffles.
Wrapping up crap we don't need
and selling it back to ourselves.
Aren't you tired, Meg? Doesn't it make you angry?
Why can't we all just write a check and be done with it?
I'm a lawyer, not Betty effing Crocker.
You back on the caffeine, Barb?
Donut holes. Put me down for donut holes.
We have got to get that girl laid.
CONNIE: Oh, Meg.
We've got mani and pedis at 4.
Can you take Ronnie and Rhiannon to practice today?
No problem. I gotta drag Kaitlyn anyway.
So, what's two more?
Exactly. We'll text him, tell him to look for your car.
Okay.
- Bags. Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
Unh, there you go.
- That wasn't big. - Yeah.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[COACH WHISTLES]
Sigh, I can't believe you talked me into this.
Oh, Barb, trust me. Kaitlyn loves it.
Chelsea's gonna love it.
I didn't go to Mount Holyoke to be a soccer mom.
Neither did I.
Chelsea, just buckle it.
BARB: These kids are adults, Meg.
Remember when we were kids,
just give us an empty refrigerator box
and we'll play it for weeks.
Try it on the other arm.
MEG: Yeah, and walked a mile to school,
and back then, tomatoes tasted like tomatoes.
- Ha-ha-ha. - Barb, that's shin guard.
Oh, Chelsea, put it on your leg.
This team is two days of practice
and one scrimmage a week.
But where will it end, Meg? It only escalates, you know?
You can carpool.
It's not about the driving.
It's about the principle.
All this subtle pressure to keep you in your big car
so you don't notice you don't have a real job.
Raising kids is a real job.
Then where is your paycheck?
It's not always about money.
Yeah, raising a whole generation of over-scheduled bull sharks.
Have to keep them moving at every minute or they'll die.
You just don't wanna sit in the sun.
I think Chelsea needs more downtime.
And, yes, I do hate sports.
I hate watching them and I hate playing them.
Yeah, well, why don't you just pull off the team then?
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
Chelsea, get out on that field.
- Kick it! - You guys are awesome.
I'm a soccer mom.
I talked to Barbara
into going to soccer practice with me today.
Oh, God, don't you think she and AJ
are gonna be a cute couple?
Well, they're both divorced and they both live here
and they're both mammals.
Never mind.
You might wanna ease up on the matchmaking, Meg.
If you screw things up, we can't sell the house and move.
I just got tenure.
Forget I said anything.
Not that you care
but I finished all those posters for the auction.
All I have to do is fill up the baskets.
Didn't you do this last year?
Yeah, and probably do it the next year and the next year
and every other year until Emily graduates.
Emily's only 4.
You gotta learn to say no, Meg.
Well, somebody has gotta do it.
It's not exactly like I'm working.
It's exactly like you're working.
Only you don't get paid and you don't get days off.
Yeah, I should take that up with the Union.
Seriously, Meg, you do too much.
Thanks, honey.
Hey, can you handle pickup for me today?
No.
Next time we have kids, I'm the daddy.
I gotta get these term papers graded, Meg.
And I'm waiting for a phone call.
Oh, you got a phone call.
Okay, that's fine.
Why don't I do pickup then?
Why should today be any different
than every other stupid day in my stupid life.
Hey, did we buy that at last year's auction?
Yeah, this year we're donating it.
Well, we're not buying it again.
Meg, hi. Look, I am sorry.
I know how busy you are.
Uh, no, you don't. Ha-ha-ha.
How's the auction coming?
- Is it under control? - Oh, barely.
I mean, I've finished all the signs--
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: Mr. Larry, please come to the office.
Great, great. You are the best.
Hang on.
Look, uh, after you got the auction wrapped up,
I was hoping you could run the yearbook committee for me.
Um, can't you get a fifth grade mom to do that for you?
I wouldn't come to you
if there's anyone half as qualified, Meg.
I'm flattered
but, um, Kaitlyn's only in first grade
so I'd be doing it for five years.
- It's a lot to ask, isn't it? - Oh.
Yeah, because I'm already doing Emily's nursery school yearbook.
And then I've got my brownie troop
and I'm doing psych counsel--
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: Mr. Larry.
And I'm the room mom.
And then in November, Art Dozen starts.
[SIGHS]
I know you're not gonna let me down, Meg.
No, I don't wanna let you down, Mr. Hughes.
- It's Larry. - Larry, I just think--
You don't have to decide today.
Oh, the thing is--
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: Mr. Larry--
Coming.
AJ: Come on...
- Move it! - Oh!
GIRL: Kick it!
Rhiannon, pull up your socks!
You know, it comes so naturally to me
that it almost makes sense that I do it.
Just because something comes naturally to you
doesn't mean you have to do it, Meg.
Yeah, you don't see me doing hair in the parking lot.
Although I can make
every single one of those little girls look good.
AJ: That's it. Grab with your hands.
I didn't use to like coming to practice.
I'd drop him off and pick him up but, oh...
- Oh, he is delicious. - Right?
I love watching him run away.
Who? AJ?
Of course, AJ.
- The man with the golden ass. - Oh.
Not to mention those abs. Oh.
I wanna lick ice cream off those abs.
You'd lick ice cream off pavements.
Hey, Sam doesn't have six-pack abs, okay?
He got more of a keg.
- Hey. - Oh, hey, Barbara.
- What are you doing here? - Chelsea's joining the team.
CONNIE: Oh, good for Barbara, right?
Oh, have you met AJ?
Oh, we gotta introduce her to AJ.
Oh, yeah. He's single.
You gotta meet him.
Yeah, and he won't be single long.
You gotta strike while the iron man is hot.
- Ha, ha. - Did you plan this?
- Maybe. - Oh.
This is exciting.
GIRL: Pass me the ball.
Meg.
- My favorite soccer mom. - Hey.
So did you see Kaitlyn dribble down field
and ram-run her back of the neck?
Oh, yes, I did, AJ, my favorite soccer coach.
Aren't you gonna introduce me to your friend?
Right. This is Chelsea's mom, Barbara.
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
- Hi. How are you? - Hi.
Chelsea needs some work on her passing skills.
Maybe you can have her dad be in here
and practice with her a little bit?
Sadly, Chelsea's dad does not need work on his passing skills.
They're divorced.
A lot of that going around, huh?
Well, I'll work with her on passing.
AJ: Nice meeting you.
- It's AJ. - AJ.
ROCKY: Oh, my God.
He likes you.
What are you talking about?
He just told me my daughter can't pass.
Well, he can and he just did.
- And you just missed it. - Get out.
What? Oh, Connie, tell her I'm not crazy.
Oh, yeah, he likes you. He's gonna ask you out.
- Uh-huh. - What is this, high school?
- Meg, tell them. - No, it's not high school.
Because in high school, my soccer coach was a nun.
Drop the ball. Come on, you're doing great.
So Barbara was at soccer practice again today.
Uh-huh.
I know you had told me to butt out
but I introduced her to AJ, anyway.
You should have seen her. She was so awkward and shy.
- Maybe it was too soon. - Uh-huh.
And the minute I saw them together,
it doesn't feel right anymore
because he's so, I don't know.
- And she's so not, you know. - Mm-hm.
To you, I just sound like a parent
in a Peanutscartoon, don't I, honey?
Mwa, mwa, mwa.
Uh-huh.
You know, I have a theory that, um,
men who at least pretend to be listening to their wives
get laid a lot more often than men who just lie there.
Huh?
Nothing.
BARB: And so, I'll do Discovery Zone on Saturday
and you'll do Chuck E. Cheese on Sunday.
Okay-- No, wait. Switch.
Because Emily's got that ice skating thing on Sunday,
so I'll do DZ and then Chelsea can sleep over...
ROCKY: I wanna tell. CONNIE: You always tell.
Remember when our calendars are full of days for us?
- No. - Ha, ha.
Okay. So rocking up the scoop about AJ's ex.
- Hmm? - What scoop?
Name's Dorothy. Nickname, Doro.
You've seen her at soccer practice.
The crazy brunette who drives the Prius.
She reminds me of you, Barbara.
Only younger and hotter and with a different head.
Is she dating yet? We don't wanna rub her nose in it.
Well, my sources say, she was dating during the marriage.
Really? How good are your sources?
Pretty good. The wife of the guy she was dating.
- Okay, so we hate her. - Pretty much.
What are you two doing?
Well, you can't date a guy in a circle without getting the dirt.
- What circle? - The parking lot.
The school, the team.
Let's say, it doesn't go well,
it could reflect on Chelsea's field time.
AJ wouldn't do that, would he?
Plus, you gotta consider AJ's ex.
I mean, if he dates too soon or too close to home,
there could be retribution, you know?
Like peeing in your own pool.
You're insane. She's not even dating him yet.
- Meg? - No, Barb, I'm on your side.
Meg, Barb's a single woman in the 'burbs.
Who else is she gonna meet?
- No offense. - None taken.
So, what do I do?
You just show up, you hang around,
you'll look good.
He'll do the rest. Trust us.
You really think I can manipulate AJ like that?
Oh, honey. You can manipulate anyone with a Y-chromosome.
All you need is two Xs and a WonderBra.
- Right? - Right.
You should have seen Connie and Rocky today.
They are so over-involved in Barbara's love life.
It's like they're obsessed or something.
Pot calling kettle.
Oh, no. I have a very full life.
You have a very full kitchen.
Promise me you are not gonna take on the yearbook
after the auction, Meg.
I want my house back. I want my wife back.
Sorry, Woody. Duty calls.
Which reminds me, I have a psych counsel meeting tonight.
We're voting for extending funding on the GATE program.
GATE?
Gifted and Talented Enrichment.
They test in a few weeks. Of course, Kaitlyn is a shoo-in.
I mean, just look at her parents.
- Professor. - And a super woman.
Wait, they start testing for gifted programs in first grade?
I thought that kind of thing started in middle school.
- Ooh, not in this district. - Oh, I forgot.
All the kids in this town are gifted.
Yeah, of course they are.
And the ones who aren't have parents who think they are.
Oh, my God. It's gonna be such a nightmare.
I mean, Larry hates this time of year
because as much as they try to keep it confidential
and kind of low-key, it just gets nuts.
Ridiculous.
Yeah, parents are so competitive.
I don't remember my parents acting this way.
Are you kidding me?
They still have your SATs taped to their fridge.
AJ: Energy up! Energy up!
Rhiannon, no! Not in your mouth.
Okay, now, remember. Eye contact.
It's all in the eyes.
Oh, yeah. Men care about the eyes.
That's one.
Women are always getting their eyes made bigger.
Work the cleavage, okay?
- Barbara! - Mm.
- Yeah, go on. - Right.
- Barbara, hi. - Hi.
Listen, uh, Barbara,
um, Chelsea's been doing great.
You guys, uh, have been practicing?
Yeah, we've both been, um, working on receiving passes.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Well, maybe we can get together and talk about it.
No.
Oh, I don't know.
I wouldn't wanna upset the dynamic of the team
and I don't want things to be awkward for you
if your daughter's wife shows up to one of the games
and I might look like her or not.
Dating is like peeing in your own pool.
So, no. Yeah, no.
You've been giving it a lot of thought.
Yeah.
Well, technically, I didn't say date.
I just said let's get together and...
Yeah, we would get together Friday night and...
No kids, no date.
Just talking.
Okay. It's a date.
All right.
Come on, girls! Let's go!
You know, I could never do a guy with a body that great.
They're independent lovers.
They spend the entire time trying to catch
a glimpse of themselves in the mirror
instead of thinking about your pleasure.
They're worried about how they look in that position, you know.
Rocky, how would you know
how someone with a great body would act in bed?
Stan doesn't have a great body.
I have a great body.
Well, I do.
Hmm.
If we were divorced, would you date me?
No, because if we were divorced, there would have to be a reason.
While I can't think of one,
I suspect it would have something to do with you, so no.
No, pretend you married someone else
and you got divorced and you saw me, let's say,
on a soccer field or somewhere,
like, would you ask me out?
- Now I see where this is going. - Or Connie.
- Mm, too high-maintenance. - Or Rocky.
High-maintenance, low depth.
- Barbara? - Too neurotic.
- What? More than me? - Usually.
Are you jealous Barb's dating again?
Mm, a little.
We can date again.
Hey, put out the right singles, we can date other people.
People do that, you know.
Right. Cheat, yeah.
I couldn't.
You know, I got the raffle and laundry
and nursery school yearbook.
I really don't even have time to shave my legs.
You shave your legs?
Yeah, I shave my legs.
But with you, I could get away with knee socks.
You know, if I had an affair,
I'd probably wanna do a little more maintenance.
I haven't dated in ten years.
No, you never forget
how dating is like falling off a bike.
I only married Richard so I never had to date again.
Barb, that's why everybody gets married.
What if I'm only going out with AJ
because I'm physically attracted to him?
Yeah, congratulations. That's the idea.
What do I wear?
You got nothing?
- We're hitting the mall. - Oh.
Oh, good. I haven't been there today.
- I don't like shopping. - No.
Seriously, why don't you wanna go with us?
Is it the money?
Because I got a solution for that, sweetie.
You buy it, you charge it,
and then you sneak it into the house.
Or you can hide it in the mines.
So when Stan asks me, "Is that new?"
I just say no,
and then I do the bills and he doesn't have a clue.
- Exactly. - Rocky.
- Yeah? - I'm divorced.
Yeah.
So who am I hiding the bags from?
I pay my own bills with my own money that I earn.
I earn my own money too.
It's not a picnic being married to Stan.
Oh, how about this? I will loan you a dress.
Oh, yes! Let Connie and I make you over.
You won't even recognize yourself.
Oh, I kind of like to recognize myself.
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, now that's funny.
- That is. - Yeah.
You won't do too much?
Oh, Barb, honey, come on.
It's okay. Trust us.
There's no such thing as too much.
Barb? Are you in there?
Unh, I was playing dress up with Rocky and Connie.
They won. I lost.
- Where's Meg? - In the bedroom.
I told AJ to pick me up here.
I hope she could do a make-under.
It's not that bad once you get used to it.
Here's Chelsea's stuff.
Got a sandblaster, Woody?
Uh, no. Maybe the restaurant will be dark.
Well, wish me luck. It's my first date in 12 years.
You'd never know. You look like a professional.
Whew. I can't wear this, can I?
Not in public, no. With Connie's?
Can I borrow the one you wore to that thing that time?
Sure.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I didn't tell Chelsea I was going on a date.
She just thinks she's having
a sleepover with Kaitlyn and I'm only...
Oh, they're on their second video by now.
By the time AJ gets here, they're gonna be ready for bed.
After a couple of drinks, I might be too.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
AJ.
Hi.
Woody. Hi.
This is just really so weird.
Have her home by 11, young man.
- What? - Nothing.
I was just...
Uh, flashing forward and flashing back.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Is Barb ready?
I'll check. Yeah.
Don't talk about the divorce.
Don't talk about the kids. Don't talk about your ex.
Well, what else is there? My menstrual cycle?
Yep.
BARB: Okay. Just give me a second.
AJ's here.
Yeah, I can see that from here.
- Hi. Ha, ha. - Hi.
- You're looking good. - Oh.
Thank you so much for doing this for Barb.
- So much, thank you. - No problem.
I wish it was you.
Woody, I think AJ hit on me.
- No, he didn't. - You weren't here.
- He wouldn't do that. - Thanks a lot.
- That's not what I meant. - I know exactly what you meant.
I meant, AJ's dating your best friend.
Why would he do something like that?
You think I'm making it up.
I think you might be blowing things out of proportion.
Yes.
- Fine. - What do you want me to say?
"I'll beat him up. I'll punch his lights out."
- Yeah, stuff like that. - Fine.
Because I'm not just some bored, boring housewife
that has to invent drama to make it through her day.
I never said you were.
And I am not jealous of Barbara
because she's at some fabulous restaurant
having dinner while we babysit her kid.
Good, because I would be sad
and there would be nothing I could do to make you feel better
except point out that you're married to a man
who loves you no matter how nutty you are.
He did say something, Woody.
- Ha, ha, exactly, and I'm in... - Ha-ha-ha.
Okay.
Well, um, I handle family law, mostly.
Custody, mediation, that sort of thing.
Why did you get divorced?
Wow, yeah, um...
Well, I thought, since my husband had left our house
and was screwing other women,
it was probably time to let go.
But why? Have you thought about it?
Beyond blaming him?
- Mm-hm. - No.
The problem was that he ditched.
No closer?
You mean, did I do something to make him leave?
No fair. It's our first date.
You can't let all our baggage out just like that.
Well, I just wanna see if we're gonna make the same mistakes.
Uh, well, we probably are.
You're nothing like Doro.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
It's a good thing.
We could be saving a lot of time.
I have got a lot of time.
[LAUGHS]
- Cheers. - Cheers.
So how was the movie?
Uh, the movie was better than I thought it would be.
Uh-huh? And how was the leading lady?
She was a little over her head.
But I don't think anyone noticed.
So, what was it like, rated, this movie?
Uh, PG-13.
Not even an R?
No. No.
No, no.
Do you think there would be a sequel?
Uh, I think a sequel would do really well.
Are you gonna tell Chelsea about the movie and...?
Uh, I don't think so. Not yet.
Maybe later. Much later.
So you think the movie will still be playing?
Too soon to tell.
Maybe I'll buy the DVD.
Yeah.
Or you might wanna just rent the movie.
Why do you need to know the details of my love life?
Because we don't have love lives. We have husbands.
Uh, not that we would change places with you
because God knows we have everything
we could possibly need.
Please tell.
All right, but I'm not really the kiss-and-tell type.
I'm more of the don't kiss-don't tell type.
Come on, it's like playing real life Barbie.
- Just do it. - Yeah.
Okay.
All right, at the restaurant,
under the table, my knee touched his
and it was electrifying.
You go out with AJ and all you do is knock knees?
We weren't knocking knees.
You make it sound so lame.
My point is,
whenever we touched,
even by accident,
this sensation sent a shock wave through my entire body.
Ah, oh, you remember that, Connie?
The first touch, that tingle? Oh, better than sex.
You must be doing something wrong
that knocking knees accidentally
is better than sex, all right.
This from a woman who'd rather go celibate
than give up cherry cheesecakes.
Have you tried my cherry cheesecake?
I feel so proud
since I got a bitter little duckling turn into a swan.
BARB: Thank you, Rocky. ROCKY: I told you'd bank up.
AJ: Heads up.
- Oh! - Here he comes.
- Whatever he does-- - Hi.
AJ: Girls, come on. Go after the ball.
- Hi, girls. - Hi.
- Hey. - Hey.
So, uh, busy Friday?
I am now.
- Eight-ish? - Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, my God. That was so fabulous.
I need a drink.
- Oh. - Ha-ha-ha.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: And with one minute left...
- What? - I'm just knocking knees.
- Why? - No reason.
You, uh, you do me now.
Okay.
No. Nothing.
Damn.
- What's supposed to happen? - Electricity.
Okay.
Did you talk to Larry about the yearbook yet?
No.
There you go.
Just say no, like that, only no knees.
I'll talk to him.
Just turn him down flat, Meg.
It's not gonna go in your permanent record.
You already got in the college of your choice.
Oh, you-- All right.
I don't work at the school for me.
I work at the school for the kids
so they know how much I value their education.
Ha-ha-ha. Come on.
You work there so Larry knows you and owes you
and our kids get the best teachers.
Wha--? I don't try to manipulate Larry like that.
You sewed him a tie.
It took ten minutes.
You'd do anything he asks.
No, I don't.
- Since when? - Since tomorrow.
So while Barbara was getting ready,
AJ hit on me.
No. Why didn't you tell us this right away?
Yeah, you know we live for this kind of gossip.
Ugh, I didn't wanna be a drama queen.
So, what did he say?
Well, he said he'd rather be dating me than Barbara.
So, what did you say?
What could I say? I was so shocked.
What could she say? She was in shock.
Oh, my God. What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna tell Barbara? Do you want me to tell Barbara.
- Someone should tell Barbara. - Yeah.
You know, men are intimidated to hit on me.
Oh, yeah, yeah. They're intimidated.
Oh, seriously.
Men don't hit on me because they know I'm married to Sam.
And everyone knows Sam doesn't tolerate that kind of thing.
Yeah. Well, Stan likes it when guys try to pick me up.
- Get out. - Yeah, absolutely.
Because at the end of the night,
he knows I'm going home with him.
You know what they say.
- "Little feet, a big wallet." - Ha, ha.
Oh, it's Larry.
Do not tell him I'm here.
It's a false alarm.
You can't hide from him forever.
You practically live here.
Yeah, just talk to him already.
You know, be direct, like me and Connie.
Don't think so much.
Well, I'm not as direct as you two.
- You are. - Now look.
The thing is, I know what I want and what I don't want.
Like right now, I want another cupcake.
ROCKY: That's not gonna happen.
Oh, hey!
- Hey, um... - Hey.
Barb, I, uh, inadvertently found out something
about AJ that I...
I just think you need to know.
What?
Well, he might be...
Well, interested in someone else.
You know, I just...
I cannot stand by and watch
what happened with Richard happen again.
So...
- Who? - Who, what?
Who's he interested in?
Oh, you sure you really wanna know?
Because I don't think you really need to know.
Really? You don't think I need to know?
Well, you probably do need to know
that the woman that he's interested in
would never ever do anything about it.
Oh, wait a second.
You think AJ's interested in you.
Okay, to be honest, Barb, yeah, he, um...
He did say some things to me.
Yeah, he's a flirt, Meg, just like you.
Um, you think I'm a flirt?
Why haven't you told me that before?
I never had a boyfriend before.
Oh, my God. Did I flirt with Richard?
Yeah, but I didn't care. I mean, it was Richard.
I figured it was charity flirting.
Yeah, I am so sorry with...
What would you like me to do?
I don't know, act a little less nice
and a lot less cute.
Less unnecessary touching,
less bluffing, less everything.
I can do that.
Um, and what about AJ?
I'll handle AJ.
Oh, the... Right.
- Hey, Meg. - Oh, AJ.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
No. I...
Do you have a second?
For you, Meg, I got a whole minute.
Oh, see that? That thing you do?
"For you, Meg, I got a whole minute."
You know what I mean.
Not a clue.
What you said the other night,
I was very flattered by your attention, AJ,
but I just, I don't really think, um, can go any further.
I'm still not with you.
- Sorry, Meg. - Oh, and that, see?
That right there, okay.
No. So here's the thing, AJ, you're dating my best friend.
I don't want people getting hurt.
What people?
You know what people.
Honestly, Meg, I don't know what you're talking about.
- I didn't mean to hurt-- - No. Oh, I know that.
I just want you to know I know.
But now that Barbara knows too,
I think that then we just have to say no, you know?
- No. - Exactly.
Take it easy.
Oh, Meg.
I thought you were avoiding me.
I was.
Um, I'm gonna have to turn down your offer to run the yearbook.
Oh, nothing I can do to change your mind?
Nope.
Okay, well, I'll just have to get someone else to make do.
- You can do that? - I guess I'll have to, won't I?
Right, I can't tell you how difficult it is
for me to turn down an offer like this.
I really don't like letting people down.
I'm such a perfectionist and, you know...
I guess, what you call, uh, people pleaser.
There. I said it.
But I have just been spreading myself so thin
and, um, I really haven't had time for my own kids
or my husband or me.
So I'm just gonna have to say no, you know?
- Can I call on you again? - Anytime.
Great.
Anytime.
Oh, God. It was incredible, Woody.
I mean, the power of that tiny little word.
It's just two letters, one syllable: "No."
"No" is a complete thought.
It was amazing. I didn't even need to use an explanation.
It was just no, you know? And I was off the hook.
Wow, it really is the most powerful new weapon
in my arsenal, N-O, no.
Oh, my God. You were absolutely right about everything, honey.
You're absolutely right.
I can't wait to say it again.
- I'm happy for you, honey. - Thank you.
You're not gonna use it now.
- No. - Good.
Oh...
- Can I help you? - You're Barbara, right?
Guilty as charged.
[LAUGHS]
- You're a lawyer? - I am.
When I'm not a chauffeur. Ha, ha.
Do you know who I am?
You're Doro.
- Dorothy. - I heard it was Doro.
My friends call me Doro.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Well, I don't really know exactly
the circumstances of your marriage
and your exact circumstances.
I do know that it must be awkward for you
to see me everywhere you go, knowing, uh...
Well, knowing about... You know.
Your daughter's on the team now. Is that official?
Yeah, yeah, that's how I met your husband, AJ.
I mean, your ex-husband.
He's wonderful.
I mean, you must know that,
even if you see things differently now.
Maybe you used to.
I mean, you must know what... Oh, God.
If your daughter's on the team,
then you need to bring snacks to practice twice a month.
What?
What is your daughter's first name?
Uh, Chelsea.
Um, you do alternate Thursdays starting next week.
Um, the kids like juice boxes and bottled water
and a non-sugary snack, preferably fruit
or cheese and crackers, bagels.
Don't get too creative. They hate that.
And don't cheap out. No generics.
Is that all you wanted to talk about?
For now.
I thought you might...
- Thank you. - No.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
You will be.
You would've been proud of me.
- You didn't babble. - No.
Please tell me you did not babble.
I was strong. I'm not doing anything wrong.
So I just stood up to her
and looked her straight in her crazy pinwheel eyes.
I'm proud of you.
I don't even think she's in charge of snacks.
I think she just wanted an excuse to take my measure.
- Wow, you showed her. - Yeah.
- Meg. - Uh-huh?
If I'm not doing anything wrong, why do I feel so guilty?
They tested Kaitlyn's class today.
You know, for that gifted and talented program.
I still can't believe they have a gifted and talented program
for first grade.
- They do. - How did she do?
I don't know.
I'm sure she did fine, now aren't you?
Well, she didn't say anything.
Well, she's reading.
Yeah, a lot of first graders are reading, Woody.
Well, she's been reading for quite some time.
Chapter books.
Yeah, I don't think we should put pressure on her, right?
I mean, it's not a competition.
- Of course not. - Yeah.
- But she is reading. - Yeah.
Over grade level.
Well, I mean, if anyone belongs
in a gifted and talented program...
I understand that the program is a once-a-week pull out thing.
What does that mean?
That means, in first grade,
it's one two-hour session a week.
And then third grade, it's an after-school thing.
And then in middle school, if they qualify, you know,
it's, uh, advance placement, like honors.
Then high school, then Harvard.
Woody.
Like that's not where you're going with this.
- It's not. - Be honest.
Well, I wouldn't stand in her way
if she wanted to go Ivy League.
But you're not gonna push her
because it's not a competition.
Well, I'm saying it is kind of a track, right?
Yeah.
I hope she did really well.
I'm sure she did her best.
She really didn't have good breakfast.
We were late.
She just kind of had a Pop Tart.
She could've crashed from the sugar
right in the middle of the test.
That's right, Meg. Blame yourself.
Her life is ruined, community college, financial ruin,
all because you didn't wake up in time
to force-feed her an egg.
You see, I don't ever buy Pop Tarts.
It's your fault. I mean, if we're laying blame here.
You asked me to go shopping.
You had a list.
I improvised.
Yeah, cost our eldest daughter her Ivy League education.
Never again, Meg. You do the shopping from now on.
It's the only right thing to do.
Did you get this letter?
- What letter? - About the GATE program.
GATE?
Gifted and Talented Enrichment.
Uh, no.
- Ronnie got in. - Oh, he did?
I didn't hear anything.
Michael never got any GATEs.
No, I don't even know what it is.
The letter says something about confidentiality and privacy
and blah, blah, blah.
Chelsea didn't bring anything home.
Did Kaitlyn?
Oh, no. Not yet.
Wait a second. Ronnie's smart?
Yeah, I guess. Who knew?
Well, knock me over with a feather. No offense.
Please, I feel likewise.
She's always been a little spacier than Michael.
I always thought she was...
You know, not so gifted and talented.
- Well, yeah. - No.
I always thought she was a little slow.
Well, you know what,
she marches to the beat of her own drum, that kid.
Anyway, the letters of the GATE program
isn't about the usual intelligence that they test for.
It's about other kinds.
There's other kinds?
That's what it says.
- Well, congratulations. - Oh, thank you.
I'm sure Kaitlyn will get in.
- Oh, and, and, and Chelsea. - Oh.
Hey, hey, hey.
Honey, Rhiannon has other gifts and talents.
- Yeah. - Sure.
She's gonna break some hearts, let me tell you.
Oh, absolutely. Hearts, balls, banks.
- Ha, ha. - She's gonna break them all.
I have to go through Chelsea's backpack tonight.
Oh, yeah. It's probably there.
Oh, I'm sure.
[WHISPERS] Thanks.
I looked through her backpack twice.
Did you ask her?
Yeah, she said that Mrs. Lavigne didn't give her
anything to bring home.
I guess Mrs. Lavigne didn't give her anything to bring home.
I guess.
Someone very wise once said it's not a competition.
Yeah, someone very wise is holding a knife right now.
Seriously, we know she's special.
We don't need test results to confirm that.
I know.
And maybe Mrs. Lavigne forgot to send the letter home.
Or maybe Mrs. Lavigne didn't check her mailbox in the office
because that's gonna happen all the time.
We're not gonna worry about this.
- But what do you--? - We're not gonna worry.
- Whatever you say. - That's it.
We're just gonna relax, watch some TV, go to bed.
This will all work itself out tomorrow.
Yeah.
She's gotta be at least smart as Connie's kid.
Yeah.
- Rocky? - What?
[PANTING]
- What? - I'm running out of clothes.
Well, what can I do for you, sweetheart?
Okay, so this thing is,
I haven't really dated since before law school.
My best dressy dress has giant shoulder pads
and it's a size zero.
Oh, you're not gonna be a zero again.
That belt's been wrong. That ship has sailed.
Yeah. Yeah.
I've got a work wardrobe. I have my mommy clothes.
And then I've got nothing.
And I don't wanna look like I'm dressing up to come watch soccer
but I can't show up in sweats.
Oh, no, no. You can't, no.
- You got jeans? - Of course.
- Not mommy jeans? - Not mommy jeans.
- Some credit please. - Okay.
How about a nice little camisole
with a man-tailored shirt, you know.
Yeah.
Opened up with a little lacy bra poking out.
You know, a little casual.
Oh, I just threw this thing on, but it's a little seduction.
Okay, but I don't have the camisole.
You do now.
Hmm. Nah, you're in winter.
Did you just go shopping?
No, this is where I store my new stuff
before I decide to sneak it back.
Oh.
Before I sneak it into the house.
Oh. Uh-huh.
Are you sure?
Oh, I'm thinking the Mulberry.
- Yeah, with a denim shirt. - Well, I...
- Yeah, I like that. - You got any boots?
I don't know. You got any fixes?
Go fish.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
It's like Christmas.
- Barbara. - Doro.
Your daughter's improving every week.
- Thank you. - No, really.
- She's looking much better. - Thank you.
And as I may be so bold to mention, are you?
- Ha-ha-ha. - What?
You are also looking better.
- Better than...? - Better than you used to look.
Uh...
Not that I've been spying or anything.
It's just that it's hard not to notice
when someone that you're used to seeing
suddenly starts taking care of herself.
- Excuse me? - Oh, yeah...
I know we don't know each other very well.
Or at all.
Barbara, we're practically related.
I mean, through my marriage and your, well, fling.
Doro, I'm not comfortable with that characterization.
Oh, far be it for me to make you uncomfortable. Ha, ha.
There is no reason to make this into a soap opera.
You're divorced. I'm divorced.
Oh, I'm quite aware of my marital status.
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
Look, I just wanted to tell you
that I like what you're doing with your hair.
[SIGHS]
I'm sorry. I mean, thank you.
You're welcome.
- And Barbara? - Yeah?
You have snacks next Thursday.
Let me talk to her.
I can handle her myself, you know.
I don't need you running interference for me.
Not with Doro, not with AJ, not with anyone else.
- I'm a big girl. - I know that.
We've been friends a long time.
A very long time.
And I know how much control means to you.
I'm not controlling.
Nonetheless.
I hear you. You wanna make your own mistakes.
- I do. - I warned you about Richard.
- So you did. - And you didn't listen to me.
- I did not. - And where did that get you?
Well, let's see, I am a successful lawyer
with a beautiful healthy daughter
and a very hot boyfriend.
I see your point.
I thought you might.
AJ: Unh. Okay.
- The girls are getting better. - That's the plan.
I mean, I'm noticing they're stronger, less winded,
running up and down the field.
- They're getting there. - Yeah.
Kaitlyn loves you,
loves the team, loves the practices, the games,
loves the games.
- I'm glad. - Yeah.
So, um, how are you doing then?
Everything-- Everything okay?
Yeah, it's all peachy. Not a cloud in my sky.
Yeah, and with Barb, it's good.
I don't know. Not any of my business.
It's kind of your business.
She says the whole thing was your idea.
Well, no, not the whole thing.
No, I just, you know, I figured,
she's single, you're single,
you're very attractive.
I mean, you're both very attractive
and she's smart.
Uh-huh. Still waters.
Pardon?
She's just a surprise, you know?
Oh, yeah, of course. Still waters.
There's something about a girl with glasses.
She takes them off and...
- Wow. - Wow.
Yeah, so just, you know,
take it slow and, and just...
Don't let anybody get hurt.
No problem.
I'm all over it.
Good to hear.
You're all alone today.
Yeah, ha, ha. Carpool.
Yeah.
Barbara's not here.
Oh, she's got the...
She's not here.
You don't like me.
Oh, no, I really don't know you well enough to dislike you.
No, you're Barbara's best friend.
I'm sure you talk about me.
- No, we don't. - Yes, you do.
I saw you talking to AJ.
Not about you.
We have daughters,
who are on the same soccer team, go to school together.
Stuff like that. We just get along.
Your daughter's in the first grade.
Leah's in the second grade.
At this age, a school year is like a dog year so--
Kaitlyn has lots of friends older than she is.
How old is Barbara, anyway?
I really don't feel comfortable talking about Barbara with you.
Oh, wow. Ha, ha.
That old. Wow.
Well, this is a lot easier
than chopping off her head and counting the rings.
I've looked everywhere.
It isn't in here.
It's just an enrichment thing.
They miss recess and P.E.
It's not worth getting nuts about, Meg.
It don't mean nothing.
I disagree.
The GATE letter says--
I don't wanna hear another word
about what the GATE letter says.
I'm just trying to tell you.
I know what you're trying to tell me.
It says you're not supposed to discuss it
with non-GATE families.
The non-inclusion stirs of feelings of entitlement.
I never knew what that meant until just now.
Look, Connie...
I know it comes as a shock to you
that my kid is smarter than yours, Meg.
That's not what this means.
Meg's not accustomed to not being the best, Connie.
I mean, I don't think that I'm better than you
just because Ronnie's smarter than Kaitlyn.
For God's sakes, it's not a competition.
It's not a competition because Kaitlyn didn't win, right, Meg?
No, Connie.
I mean, what kind of person do you think I am?
I think you think you're better than I am
and smarter than I am and better educated than I am.
And now, your world has rocked.
- Please. - Oh, please yourself.
I am sure that Mrs. Lavigne just forgot.
Three days in a row, Meg?
Maybe you should march yourself in the principal's office
and pull some strings.
- I wouldn't. - Oh, you so would.
I'd never.
Whatever.
Let's go.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Meg?
- Mr. Hughes. - Need a hand?
Oh, PTL meeting. Just stacking chairs.
We have janitorial staff to handle that, you know.
No trouble.
Diego doesn't mind?
He has other things to do, I'm sure.
I, uh, can't make it home,
in fact, you know, for pickup.
And I just feel guilty sitting still.
[LAUGHS]
- You are one in a million. - Yeah.
Is something on your mind, Meg?
Um, yeah.
I do have a question.
Um, I don't want it to seem like I'm asking for favors
or, uh, special consideration
because I do know how inappropriate
that would be in this situation.
Shoot.
I'm not one of those "every child is gifted" mothers.
Well, you know that.
And I don't feel like Kaitlyn deserves a second look
because I work here so much
or because her dad teaches English Lit at the university.
Okay.
But, you know, she has been reading since she was 2
and, um, speaking in complete sentences.
Grammatically correct sentences into her 18th month.
I have, um, documentation on that.
I can show you videos.
Mm-hm.
I'm sure the testing was completely standardized
and fair and accurate.
But I was just, well, her, um, college professor father,
and I were just wondering
if there could have been any kind of,
I don't know, way she was overlooked somehow.
Is this about the GATE program?
Because that's really a district matter.
Oh, no, I'm not asking you to pull strings or anything.
Well, that's good because there's no strings to pull, Meg.
No, I'm just asking
because I think there might have been some sort of clerical error
or a lost document or--
No matter how we word those letters, people talk.
I don't know what to tell you, Meg.
Families who don't get selected for the GATE program
aren't even supposed to know about the program.
I know about the program, Larry.
I'm on Psych Counsel.
Yeah.
Well, can you just ask someone?
You're putting me in a difficult position here, okay?
Every mother in this town thinks their child is special.
Indeed, every mother's child is special.
But maybe not necessarily special enough
to get admitted to GATE.
Right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--
It's an enrichment program, Meg. Nothing more.
She'll be tested again in the third grade.
Maybe she'll make the cut then.
Don't make such a big thing about it.
I'm sorry.
All is forgiven and forgotten.
- Ha-ha-ha. - Great.
Well, I asked him.
- And? - Oh, I wish I hadn't.
After all you do at that school, I can't believe--
Woody, we know it doesn't work like that.
We know better than that.
I'm so embarrassed.
We both know she's gifted, right?
Sure.
And no standardized test changes that.
Right?
I mean, if the test doesn't select her,
then it's not looking for the right indicators.
You know, a lot of people say,
the GATE thing is for kids
who don't fit into standard education.
Kids who don't thrive.
She's getting straight Os.
Well, O pluses, actually.
Except for, in Music,
you know, that one semester in kindergarten.
You remember? She had bronchitis.
She couldn't do the recital.
- So she's thriving. - Yeah.
Well, maybe the whole GATE thing isn't for her.
Maybe it's not what she needs.
Maybe it's for kids who are struggling.
You know, square pegs and more challenging kids.
You know, I mean, the more I think about it,
the more sure I am that the social stigma
attached to a kid who is identified as gifted,
it's too early.
It's too early.
Besides, I'm sure the GATE kids are teased and ostracized.
You know, I have heard that.
Woody, this isn't sour grapes, right?
No.
Well... No.
This is what intelligent people do.
They make adjustments.
- They create new paradigms. - Hmm.
And besides, any program that wants Ronnie and not Kaitlyn--
Exactly. Ha, ha.
- Oh, my God! Woody! - What!
She got in.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, she wasn't just--
Stuffed it in her pocket and forgot about it.
- Our little genius. - Let's go tell her.
Kaitlyn didn't care.
She doesn't know what it means.
That's good, right?
Maybe we should've let her sleep and told her in the morning.
Yeah, maybe.
It's good though that she got into this gifted thing.
A little worrying that she doesn't remember
putting the paper in her pocket.
Woody, it's official. She's gifted.
I mean, come on, she's clearly thinking
about things more creative,
more important than just bureaucratic paperwork.
Although they could have e-mailed it to us.
Remember the old days
when you wouldn't tweeze your eyebrows in front of me?
Yeah.
It never occurred to me you had to do that.
As if all my unwanted hairs just magically disappear
and my eyebrows arched themselves?
Yeah.
Yeah, you were living in a fantasy world back then.
I was. I liked it there.
[WOODY FARTS]
Yeah, I liked it there too.
You had a lot more control
over your gaseous emissions back then.
- I did. - Yeah.
- Almost killed me. - Oh, yeah. Marriage is better.
Oh.
I mean,
lots of gifted kids probably get lost in the shuffle.
- I'm sure that's true. - Yeah.
Honestly, this whole thing had us so tied up in knots,
I really didn't think that Woody and I
would take this kind of thing so hard.
Mm-hm.
Oh, you should have seen us.
We're the poster children
for every horrible competitive parenting move
that we all just hate and deplore.
Mm-hm.
I wish I could've handled things with more grace.
You know, I really offended Connie.
I groveled to Larry.
Oh, God. I made such an ass of myself.
No argument here.
I wish I could handle things more like you did.
I mean, Chelsea is every bit as intelligent as Kaitlyn.
You didn't flip out that she didn't make it in the GATE.
No, I didn't.
I'm really disappointed in myself.
Meg, could you stop being so hard on yourself, please?
Things are gonna get a lot trickier
as the girls get older.
Promise me, okay?
No matter what happens, we'll still be friends.
Well, duh.
Okay, I have to tell you something.
What?
Chelsea got into GATE.
Ah! Ah!
Why didn't you tell me?
I--
The stupid letter specifically said not to tell anyone.
But I'm your best friend.
And I wanted us to stay that way.
My God.
You have no faith in me.
To be fair, I saw what happened with Connie.
Barb, I'm stunned.
But they all got in. It's over, right?
And happily, ever after. Let's move on with our lives.
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
I mean, watching me spin out of control
without saying a word.
Oh, for crying out loud, Meg.
I didn't tell you to spare your feelings till you worked it out.
I wasn't gonna keep you in the dark forever.
Okay. Fine.
Oh, God.
[WOMEN CHATTING]
- You're still pissed. - I am still confused.
Well, get over it. I tell you everything.
Oh, not everything.
You did it with AJ. You didn't tell me that.
Wait, what? Who told you that?
Nobody. I just figured it out.
You talked to AJ when I specifically asked you not to.
No, I just asked him
to please take it slow and not hurt my best friend.
And from what he said, I just, you know, guessed.
- Well, you guessed wrong. - Oh.
Meg, you set us up.
Now you gotta back off.
AJ and I can take it from here at whatever speed we choose.
And whenever we do
whatever we do,
you'll be the third person to know.
I am so sorry.
- I've been awful. - Uh-huh.
Will you forgive me?
Just tell me you didn't talk to Doro.
Well, she tried to talk to me.
- God, she's scary. - I know, she really is.
But I can handle her.
- Okay. Wow. - Mm-hm.
It's you, woman of mystery,
all self-confident and sphinxy.
What did you with my best friend?
Oh, dolled her up.
To grab for a night on the town with a hot guy,
it's a freaking magic trick.
[SIGHS]
Can we talk?
I suppose.
- I owe you an apology. - I know.
I'm sorry.
- Is that it? - No.
Good. Go on.
I think you're smart, I do.
Yeah, sure.
I do.
Yeah, I bet.
And I like you. You're this huge life force.
You don't second-guess yourself. You just are.
You know, I admire that.
Thank you, Meg.
And I am sorry if anything that I have done or said can...
You know, make you feel that I don't respect you
because I do.
I appreciate that.
And I know how much Kaitlyn likes Ronnie.
Oh, God, I would hate to think that I would do anything
that gets in the way of that just because of how you,
you know, might feel about me.
I'm not mad, Meg.
I'm just not used to having the upper hand with you, you know.
And, uh...
I may have overplayed it a little, so...
I'm sorry too.
- Okay. - Yeah.
So then, we're good?
- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.
I'm so excited for Ronnie.
And I'm sure Kaitlyn doesn't need
as much enrichment as Ronnie does, uh, something.
They must know what they're doing, right?
Right.
Yeah.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Ahem, there's something I need to talk to you about.
Okay.
- Doro. - Ah, Doro.
She keeps, um...
She keeps talking to me.
What did she say?
She said she likes my blouse.
- Uh-huh. - And my hair.
Okay.
And she keeps reminding me about the snack schedule
even though she knows I have it.
Uh-huh.
Mm.
Okay, so, it's not so much what she says.
It's the way she says them.
I see.
She looks at me...
[CHUCKLES]
I mean, even though I haven't done anything wrong,
and she's not even accusing me,
I feel so guilty.
Look, being married to Dora
was like driving within the speed limit
and having a cop car right behind you
with lights going on.
Just waiting for you to run through a stop light
or hit a pedestrian.
Wow.
You just have to get used to her somehow.
She's not going anywhere.
And neither am I.
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
Let me know you.
Well...
Kaitlyn had her first GATE thing today.
- Did she like it? - She said it was boring.
Uh.
What's a word for what that is?
- Hilarious? - Mm.
- I don't tell. - Yeah.
Gifted and talented runs in the family.
I got a gift and a talent
I'd like to share with you when you have a moment.
A moment?
Oh, if your gift was really that talented,
I guess you would need more than a moment there, buddy.
Touche.
- Touche yourself. - I should.
If you want something done right around here.
No, I mean, touche, you know, as in fencing,
not touche yourself,
like I would actually be asking you--
Okay. That works.
[LAUGHS]
Show me, show me, show me.
Oh, my God, you will love it.
Um, that's not gonna fit. Take it back.
No, it's one size fits all, Rocky, look.
Uh, it's a sausage casing. Take it back.
One size fits most. That's what it should say.
Oh, you're so PC, Meg.
Average American woman is 5 feet 4, 140.
Come on, what do you think?
No, the average American woman is a heifer.
Now, you should never go shopping without me again, okay?
No, what do you think about the dress?
Good boobage. What about the butt? Take it back.
No, no, I can wear Spandex.
There isn't enough Lycra in the world, Connie.
Come on, forget it.
I don't wanna forget it, Rocky.
Sam's taking me out for my birthday, I wanna look special.
And what were you thinking? Really?
Were there no lights on in the store?
Okay, how about this?
- Oh, that's diya. - Well--
- You can't wear a caftan. - No?
Caftans are for beached whales, and manatees.
You got boobs, you got a waist, you got hips.
Do you hear yourself, Rocky?
She gained 30 pounds with each kid.
She's only lost 25.
I haven't lost my baby weight yet either.
Uh, news flash, Meg, your baby's 4 years old.
You're unbelievable.
You know what, Meg, sometimes you got to be cruel to be kind.
I told you before, this cake is for Connie, not for you.
If you're gonna lick, you lick the spoon.
No, come on, I told you, big guy.
It's for Connie.
As a matter of fact, you are not even invited.
No problem. I got a class.
Good, we'll talk about you.
Say nice things.
- Hey, hey. - Hey, hey.
You don't have to go through all this trouble for me.
No trouble.
Most women wouldn't bother to bring food to a restaurant.
Yeah, I couldn't just buy a cake at a bakery.
No.
Don't look in her eyes, she's a Stepford wife.
Oh, I really enjoy the baking from scratch, Barb.
Oh, I almost believe you, Meg.
You made this from scratch? Oh.
In that case, we're having a second piece, right?
What's your excuse the other 364 days of the year?
Hey, Sam likes me with a little meat on my bone.
Thank you very much.
- You got bones? - Yup.
I retain a lot of water, Rocky.
So does Lake Michigan. Put the fork down.
Rocky, enough, it's her birthday.
Oh, did I tell you?
Sam's family is meeting us in Vegas for Saturday night
and we're staying at the Venetian.
- Are you taking the kids? - Of course they love the slots.
Kids aren't allowed to play the slots.
Oh, yeah, a minor. Sam knows a guy who knows a guy.
Connie, what is it exactly does Sam does for a living?
- He's a bootlegger. - Rocky.
He's in liquor distribution
in restaurant supplies.
He puts a wonderful roof over our heads and food on the table.
You know, Sam's grandfather,
he was a little bit of a bootlegger.
But Sam's totally legit.
Whatever.
What--?
I said don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Especially, when it's just the bloody head in your bed.
[DOG BARKS]
Oh, Emily made you an ashtray.
It's, uh, on your pillow.
She left it there when you were in the shower.
- I don't smoke. - Yeah, well--
I don't think she knows what it is.
She called it an ass-tray.
Well, that's pretty good, right?
I mean, her world is pretty much non-smoking.
Kaitlyn and Emily don't know any smokers.
Yeah, but you have to wonder
where she came up with that?
I'll make her a little bong as a thank you present.
- Maybe it is an ass-tray. - Hey.
Why did she have to make you a present?
Why didn't she make me a present?
Meg, seriously?
Not. Stupid.
But that just doesn't seem fair.
I mean, they love you every bit as much as they love me, and--
I do everything around here and you don't have to do anything.
I give them water every night.
And I read them a bedtime story.
I have to ask you to help, you know.
And you get to say no.
You can have the ass-tray. You deserve it.
Woody.
I get it, you contribute around here, okay?
I mean, you work.
I am the breadwinner.
Not that you couldn't win bread if you wanted to.
Forget it. I'm not making myself clear.
No, you are.
You are competitive, you're working harder than I am,
and you're not winning.
MEG: Yeah.
And, when they're teens,
they are probably gonna like me better than they like you.
I know. That sucks.
And when they grow up,
they're gonna blame you for everything.
- You do understand. - I do.
If you like, every now and then,
I can hit them with a really big stick.
No, thank you.
I'm just gonna ride this one out
and you can keep the ass-tray.
- Wanna fool around? - We--
- Now? - Yeah.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
You would always do it.
I mean, never too busy, or too distracted, or too tired?
I'm a man.
How about a cuddle, or have a foot rub,
or a piece of pie.
Is that wrong?
I mean, do you think that's normal?
How would I know? I married you.
AJ: Move it.
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
Meg, thank you so much for yesterday.
My birthday lunch was fabulous.
The least I could since we made the cheap gifts rule.
It's bad enough with all the kids parties.
I'm practically tithing to Toys "R" Us now.
I can't afford fancy grown-up presents anymore.
Unless you want a Barbie,
because I'm buying them by the case now.
- Oh, I'd love a Barbie. - You are a Barbie.
[LAUGHS]
AJ: Come on, on this side.
What's the worst birthday present you've ever got?
Richard gave me a vacuum cleaner.
Ouch.
Looking back, I realized now,
that vacuum was the end of our marriage.
Well, that and the other woman.
Men don't understand the messages
behind the stuff, you know.
They're simpler than we are.
It's been clinically proven.
If Stan bought me something that plugged in for a present,
I'd leave him.
Woody bought me a TV for the bedroom last Christmas.
- I like it. - Well, I wouldn't stand for it.
You're tougher than I am, Barb.
Yeah, right.
I'm also divorced, so don't listen to me.
- I won't. - I like personal gifts.
Like the lingerie and jewelry.
Oh, Sam gives great jewelry.
I like it when Stan pays attention
when I drop little hints.
You know, like, when we go shopping,
I say stuff like, "Buy that."
- Hmm. - Subtle.
I wouldn't send Stan to the supermarket to buy bread.
I'm not gonna let him pick out something
that I'm supposed to wear.
I like it when Sam buys me the sexy stuff
from Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood.
They make your size? No offense.
Woody doesn't really like that obvious kind of stuff.
He likes it when I wear his old T-shirt
and knee socks to bed.
Does he like the TV on too?
I like the TV.
It's 42 inches, I don't have to wear my glasses
to watch Jon Stewart .
Well, to me, if a guy buys you
an electronic appliance for your bedroom,
he could be sending you a message.
It was a Christmas present.
We both enjoy it.
- Can we just drop it? - Mm-hm.
AJ: Watch the ball.
Woody, do you ever look at Victoria's Secret catalogs?
I guess I've glanced at it.
Well, uh, I was just wondering if you ever fantasized
about those women in there.
Meg, I'm sensing a metaphorical minefield
around this area of questioning.
- Really? - Did I do something?
Men enjoy looking at pretty women
and pretty lingerie.
I mean, it's a common fantasy.
- Completely natural. - Okay.
But you never bought me anything from that catalog.
Well, I guess, you just don't seem
like Victoria's Secret type to me.
Oh, no, right,
because I am the T-shirt and knee socks type.
You don't think I'm sexy?
- Uh-oh. - Uh-oh?
I blew off a foot on that one. I didn't even see it coming.
I'm not laughing.
What I'm trying to say is, I find you sexy
without all the fancy optic tricks.
You-- You don't have to act sexy to be sexy to me.
So you don't think I can act sexy?
No, I'm not saying you can't,
I'm saying you don't have to, not for me.
- Isn't that a good thing? - No, Woody.
You never think of me in a cheap, degrading way,
and I find that extremely insulting.
And, kaboom, there goes what's left of the leg.
I mean, you think that a married couple with children
would be comfortable enough with each other to experiment,
and explore all their sexual fantasies and desires.
- Really? - Don't look at me like that.
- But you just said... - Oh, admit it.
You think I'm fat.
Kaboom.
Medic. Man down.
[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
BARB: I have so much work to do.
I haven't had a chance to do laundry since last weekend.
Chelsea's going commando.
Why do you always win these?
Not a competition, but if losing it were a race,
I'd be winning.
Oh, yeah, right.
You and your real job, and your fancy divorce.
I feel like I should get some kind of handicap.
I'll spot you. I'll even change lives with you.
- Barbara. - Or maybe not.
Hi.
- Um, you got a second? - Sure.
- Come here. - Yeah.
- You're looking good. - Oh, thanks.
Just a little something I threw on.
Nice throw.
That's my camy.
So, um, how's this weekend looking?
I'll have to check my calendar.
Speaking about the weekend,
Does, uh, Chelsea ever spend the whole weekend with her dad?
[LAUGHS]
- Okay, talk to you later. - Okay.
Stop staring at me like that.
- Obvious. - Okay.
He asked when Richard gets Chelsea for the weekend.
You know what that means, right?
- What? - He wants to see me naked.
Oh. Oh.
I haven't been naked with a new man since the '90s.
You know, I don't think I'm hot anymore.
I think I was pretty hot a long time ago.
I sort of whisk the window, being all self-critical.
And let's face it, I wasted all my really hot years on Richard.
And now, I'm past my prime.
Oh, Barb, don't say that.
So lucky you have Woody. Even if you are in a rut.
- Eh. - It's something.
- That's great. - Oh.
I don't think I can do this.
Well, that is why God created liquor.
And dimmer lights.
And you could just wear something.
I'd have to buy all new stuff.
It'd be too weird to wear what I wore in bed with Richard.
Yeah, yeah.
[LAUGHS]
It's unrealistic expectations to give birth, practice law,
and have flat abs, right?
Maybe I'll wallpaper my sides with my law school transcripts.
Oh, wow, Barb.
And this is after how many years of therapy?
Don't downplay this.
Okay, you know how every spring,
when you need a new bathing suit.
and you're standing in the changing room
under those fluorescent lights?
Yeah.
Well, being naked with AJ
is like sharing that dressing room
with a supermodel.
A tan supermodel.
Uh, you know what, if you're not ready,
maybe, you should, you know, put the brakes on a little.
I don't wanna slow down.
I wanna get out of neutral already,
and hang on for some serious stunt driving.
I've been parked in the garage too long, Meg.
I just wish I was younger, thinner, and prettier.
Oh, God, hope grown-up Chelsea
isn't gonna hate herself this much.
No, all she needs is a good role model
for mental health and self-acceptance.
- Where's she gonna find that? - I don't know.
The only person I know
who's truly comfortable in her body is Connie.
Happy birthday to her.
So I'm lying in bed on Saturday morning
before we go to Vegas,
and Sam comes in with the kids,
and they're dragging this big, big box
and with this huge, huge ribbon, and I'm thinking,
"So, okay, it's not a ring, right?"
And, uh, the kids are jumping up and down,
and they're saying, "Oh, Mommy, you're gonna love this present."
And, so I'm excited, right?
So you opened the gift?
So I opened the gift, and I'm heartbroken.
Huh, don't tell me. It's a vacuum cleaner.
Worse. A treadmill.
- Oh. - Yeah.
And everyone singing "Happy Birthday"
which is a song I am starting
to really freaking hate, you know?
And Sam's kissing me, and I'm thinking,
where's the freaking jewelry, you little creep?
What kind of treadmill?
Rocky, I was so bummed.
I mean, one lousy, stinking gift,
and my whole world's upside down, you know.
I-- My husband and my kids think I'm fat.
- Your kids too? - Yeah.
Micheal and Sam picked it out together.
So, Ronnie, she was so nice.
She was noticing that I was gonna start to cry,
so she came up to me, and she was like,
"Mommy, don't get too skinny,
because I love hugging you, because you're so squishy."
Oh, Connie.
How was Vegas?
I sat there for two days
with Sam's family and my sisters.
Everyone's singing that freaking song
every two minutes, and I couldn't eat.
I couldn't gamble.
I couldn't even hear Barry Manilow.
Because all I was thinking was Sam thinks I'm fat.
All those years, we're doing it with the lights on.
Never again.
- You did it with the lights on? - Yeah.
- Wow. - Yeah.
So you think that I should leave Sam over this?
I mean, I'm not gonna change,
and, I don't know--
Is our marriage based on a lie?
Because if that's the case,
then what do I got to go home to?
Oh, the father of your three kids,
five bedrooms, four cars, a live-in housekeeper.
Connie, you're in the middle of remodeling your master bath.
Oh, did I tell you about the tile?
- Uh-uh. - Yeah, okay.
There's a fire in the factory in Italy,
and they can't match the original gray, don't even ask.
I told you to go with a guy from the place that I know.
So you don't think I should leave Sam?
No, keep Sam.
Sell the treadmill.
You could use the money to join a gym.
Je-- Yeah.
I could also fly to the moon, flap my arms real hard too.
Right? I don't know.
Exercise queens who actually join gyms
always seem shallow and self-absorbed.
- No offense, Rocky. - Oh, none taken, doll.
Why do we allow ourselves to be tyrannized by this issue?
We will not truly be free until we are judged
on the content of our character,
not the perfection of our skin and flesh.
I can coach you, Connie. We can work out together.
We could do that, if we weren't us.
Was it a nice treadmill?
Oh, you'll never understand.
I wouldn't mind a treadmill.
I could read.
Well, not that walking and talking
with you isn't wonderful.
No, when you buy people exercise equipment,
that's like saying that they're fat,
you want them to change.
Or it could be telling the person you love,
you want them to be healthy and live a really long time.
Please.
Sam broke Connie's heart,
and you're refusing to understand
just to torture me.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Are you sure you're not hungry?
Oh, I really couldn't eat another bite.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You just had a salad, you can't be full.
I had the bread.
The bread is free.
The salad was $16. I'm fine.
Look, this place is awesome.
Their soft-shell crabs are phenomenal.
Check it out.
[SIGHS]
Whoa, ha, ha.
I do not feel comfortable ordering a $40 entree.
I'm offering, no strings.
See, the thing is,
I really like having dinner with you,
but I feel weird spending your money
in such a profligate fashion.
Seeing as I have no immediate intentions
of fulfilling my obligations,
owing to my particular difficulties
with intimacy, and so forth.
Look, I really like this place.
This is one of my favorite restaurants.
I wasn't insinuating that you needed
to return the favor in any way.
- Is this too much? - Yeah.
It's too much for a good night kiss
on the cheek.
It's probably too much for a good night tongue
down the throat.
Okay.
Then maybe you should pick the place next time.
Well, would you, uh, feel more comfortable
at something like, um,
Denny's, T.G.I. Friday's, Benihana?
- Oh, Benihana. - Yeah.
- I like Benihana. - Okay.
And then, you know,
we can come back here in a few months.
A few months.
Okay, weeks.
I'll hold you to that.
I'll mark it in my calendar.
A few weeks. Soft-shell crabs.
You supply the dessert.
Ahem. Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
So I told him we could come back
and have crabs in a few weeks.
Oh, like, wow.
- Soon. - I know.
I don't even like crabs.
Then don't get crabs.
Oh, God, I hope I don't get crabs.
Well--
So Barbara said, she and AJ are gonna do it in a few weeks.
Oh, maybe we can do it in a few weeks
if you let me out of the dog house.
I'm sorry that I'm not always in the mood.
You're sorry?
Connie's having trouble,
and Barbara's feeling weird, and--
I don't know.
I'm just kind of feeling self-conscious about stuff.
Oh, stop it, you're beautiful and you know it.
You don't see me the way I am, you see me the way I was
the way you want me to be.
Well, how do you see me?
That is not the same thing. You're a guy.
Your gray hairs and laugh lines and crow's feet,
that just makes you more distinguished,
and handsome.
I'm not looking at you and noticing what's different.
I'm looking at you and seeing the woman I love.
Mother of the children I adore,
the center of my little universe.
You'll never see what I see, Meg.
Not in any mirror.
Oh, that was the perfect thing to say.
Yeah.
[AJ YELLING]
[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
Um, Barb, I can see you're busy there.
I want you for a moment. I need to talk.
- What about? - Sex, marriage.
I am madder at Sam than Connie is.
To think I'm withholding sex from Woody
because of what Sam did to Connie.
Or maybe I'm afraid that Woody feels the same way about me
that Sam feels.
Or maybe I feel like Woody is judging me,
the way that you're afraid that AJ might judge you.
Does it make sense?
Who says sex makes any sense?
Let alone marriage.
Yeah.
I guess you never really hear married people
talk honestly about what they do.
You always gonna wonder if other people aren't doing it
as much as you are doing it.
No one's doing it as much as you think they are.
I don't think.
Although, everyone's doing it more than I am.
- Well, that could change. - Oh.
- No? - Oh, God.
Um, how long has it been?
Well, it's not like I'm keeping score or anything.
That would be sick.
Seventeen months, eight days.
Oh.
Lately, I feel fat.
I feel self-conscious and--
I don't know, jealous.
I mean, you've got this new and exciting relationship.
I miss all that, you know.
I know nothing's perfect.
But Woody's damn close, don't blow it, Meg.
You're right.
- He's sweet, right? - He really is.
- And he tries. - He does.
I don't deserve him.
You do, actually.
Just let him off the hook. Woody's one of the good guys.
And believe me, the grass is no greener
on the other side of the metaphor.
I think I have too much time on my hands
since I stopped working.
I mean, yes, two kids are a lot of work.
And I know you think that I have taken on too much,
and you know me, I can't sit still,
and I don't delegate.
But I've been jealous of my best friend,
and blaming you for stuff that Sam did to Connie.
But after talking to Barbara,
I realized how lucky I am to have you,
and the kids, and everything.
I...
I love you.
Wait, really? You love me?
I'm sorry. I have been nuts.
I hadn't noticed.
I'm sorry too for whatever I did to make you nuts.
And for whatever Sam did to Connie.
In fact, on behalf of my entire gender,
I'd like to apologize for any wrongdoing real or perceived
that any male on the planet may have perpetrated
or contemplated.
[SIGHS]
Are we okay?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I feel so lucky.
You know, I have you and we have our little rut,
but this chapter won't last forever, we should embrace it.
And make the best of it together.
I mean, right?
Oh, Meg.
I kind of wish you could have talked this
through with me instead of Barbara.
I love talking to you, but my friends understand me.
- I understand you. - Aww.
It's cute.
I'm sorry, I love you, Woody, but you're a man.
But?
Yeah, it didn't come out quite right.
Maybe I should do the yearbook.
[WOODY CLAPS]
- Generic. - Mm-hm.
Oh, you sure are living dangerously, Barb.
You're a rebel.
I have it on excellent authority
that Doro's not going to be at soccer today.
She'll never know.
Sorry I got you into this mess.
What mess?
I'm having the time of my life.
Chelsea loves the team, and maybe someday,
I'll get used to dating someone prettier than me.
I'm happy for you, but he's got a crazy ex.
Uh, Doro is not boiling bunnies crazy.
More like I-don't-want-him- but-you-can't-have-him crazy.
- I can deal. - Hmm, but--
Still, I mean, things don't work out,
you could get hurt.
And if I do, it won't be your fault.
I'm a big girl. I can make my own decisions.
You opened the door,
I walked through with my eyes wide open.
Legs, not so much.
Ha, ha.
Yeah, it takes a village. And I'm the matchmaker.
Don't sell yourself short, you're the freaking mayor.
ROCKY: I'm dying here.
Come on, Rock, come on.
We've been power walking.
- She's done good. - Uh-huh.
I want you to know, Barb, I'm not doing this for Sam,
I'm doing this for me.
- I'm glad. - Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, I'll show you the birthday present
that Sam got me.
- Oh. - Rocky picked it out.
- Mm-hm. - Yeah.
I'm gonna show it to him tonight.
Hmm.
Oh.
Uh, keeping it classy.
Let me, doll.
Are these generics?
Doro's not gonna be here today.
Oh, yes, she is.
I saw her Prius parked in front of the school,
in the red zone.
Well, what could she do to me?
No, really, I'm asking.
No worries, okay?
Bullies and mean girls like Doro,
they prey on the psychologically weak
and isolated.
You've got us.
So you put out those cheap-ass pretzels with pride.
Or you could just hide the bag.
Yeah, it's not like she's gonna know the difference.
The woman hasn't eaten a carb since the early '90s.
Doro cares too much about this stuff.
And she's a total control freak.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, Meg.
No, we love you. Yeah.
- I love you too, Connie. - Yeah.
No, seriously.
These moments in between,
you know, the picking up the kids
and dropping them off,
and sitting at those soccer sidelines.
These moments mean everything.
I've looked forward to.
You people get me through my day.
You keep me sane.
I love you all.
What the hell, Meg?
Did I miss the part where your house
fell on the Wicked Witch of the East?
She's having a moment.
Yeah, well, knock it off.
Okay.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]